Part Five – Eliminating Core Stressors

Chapter 19 – Post Panic

Depression, with or without high anxiety, is thought oriented. And I believe, infinitely more difficult to identify. The depression that accompanies agoraphobia is often ignored. Because the panic symptoms are so explicit and consuming, most people don't even think to look for symptoms of a secondary disorder.~~

Once my severe panic was under control, I began to open my eyes to my life-long, neurotic thinking patterns. I recognized how much of my life was lived in fear and drifting in and out of depression. For those of you who haven't stopped functioning because of a problem, this is where you may be - shifting up and down emotionally, having trouble securing a handle on what is wrong, and how to fix it.

Chapter 20 – Many Faces, Many Names

Basic emotions are not complex, but they are often disguised. During my wellness process, I worked on them separately, but simultaneously. In the process of reducing fear, I uncovered a lot of hidden anger.

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The body and mind reactions to anger and fear are the same. The management techniques to combat anger and fear are also the same.

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Fear is a very private, internal process. We are taught at a very young age to be tough and hide our fear. When you feel fearful, you don't feel strong, you feel weak. Feeling you are weak or incompetent feeds the vicious cycle of fear.

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Fear isn't only horror, panic and alarm. In more subtle forms it shows its face as worry, self-blame, feeling embarrassed or ashamed, wondering what other people think of you. In simple terms, fearful temper is being angry at yourself. Judging yourself wrong for something you said or thought, did or did not do. Or thinking you are not up to par with the rest of humanity.

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The opposite of judging yourself wrong is angry temper. Placing the blame on someone else for something they said, did, or did not do. The explosive variety of anger is easy to identify. We have all seen at least one example of someone vibrating with rage and taking it out on a waitperson, ticket agent, salesclerk or bank teller. There is the person who honks the horn and screams at the driver ahead because he hasn't decided to turn right when the traffic light is red. This irritated person believes the law reads right on red is "required," when in fact, it reads that a right turn is "allowed" on red. The person first in line at the intersection makes the judgement call.

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Anger too, has many faces and many names. You can feel annoyed, irritated, insulted or humiliated. A private affair with angry emotions is more difficult to distinguish. Those of us who were taught not to be angry, learned to say "our feelings were hurt."

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Fearful temper and angry temper, standing side by side or alone, are what cause our tension and stress. The tension, in turn, generates the symptoms - the unrest in our bodies and our minds. Temper causes tension and tension causes symptoms.

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The most common immediate responses to thinking you have made a mistake are blushing, a body reaction, and a feeling of embarrassment, a fearful thought response. The most common immediate responses to anger are an overall feeling of tenseness, clenched fists, or tight shoulder muscles. If you keep up the pattern of angry or fearful thoughts, more of your body becomes tense.

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Tension causes jittery hands and wobbly knees, upset stomachs, neck pain, optical migraines, and colitis, lack of concentration and racing thoughts - the mind chatter, the internal dialogue, the tape entitled, "What If," running wild in your mind. Yes, those racing thoughts are a symptom. They keep us re-living the past and dreading the future. Most of all, the racing thoughts keep us from living life to the fullest in the present.

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In my view, the absolute worst feeling a human being can have is to "feel out of control." Body sensations or obsessive thoughts, when you feel they have taken over, you are alarmed, anxious, fearful and frightened. That is one of the reasons fear of public speaking is at the top of the social phobia list. Standing in front of a group of people is the trigger for the fear. The real fear is of not being in control of those body sensations - the trembling hands and rubbery legs, the twitch in your neck and face muscles, the inability to smile a broad relaxed smile. Uncomfortable body sensations seem to take on a life of their own.

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Skeptical, pessimistic fear thoughts do not have to rule your life. You regulate your thoughts.

Chapter 21 – Camouflaged Temper

Comparing is temper because it is a judgement of right and wrong. When people with low self-esteem compare, they usually conclude that they are "not as good as." A fear which translates to: "I am wrong because I am lacking." There is subtle anger involved because other persons are perceived to be better looking, better educated, better off financially, more socially adept. It is a game where you go from thinking you are superior, to fearing you are not as good as the next person.

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There is no real need to dominate or be better than anyone else. If you can look at others, aspire to be like them, and work toward a goal, that is healthy. It is comparing plus reaching for an outcome. To compare for the sake of comparing, is an unhealthy habit…

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All the time management courses which have evolved are proof we all feel as if we are rushing through life without enough time. Moving and acting rapidly are caused by feeling anxious and impatient. These feelings, as any others, are provoked by thoughts. We rush because we think we don't have enough time to do all that needs to be done. But, both fear and anger are behind the rapid pace. You can blame yourself for taking on too much, a fear thought. Or you think someone else is responsible for the fact that you are facing more than you are capable of handling in a given time frame, an angry thought.

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When you find yourself rushing to take the children to gymnastics class and wonder why you agreed to add this task to your already busy schedule, there is a fear thought behind your fast pace. The judgement that you are wrong for taking on the responsibility. If you are upset because your mate never has time to help taxi the youngsters around, that is an angry thought, a judgement that he is wrong for his lack of involvement. If you are rushing to meet a deadline at work, you're either angry that the manager gave you a next-to-impossible deadline (an angry thought). Or you're afraid that you won't complete the assignment within the allotted time even though you agreed to it (a fear thought).

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We are impatient when we judge that someone isn't doing their job correctly. We have all stood in lines thinking the person at the front could take tickets or ring up a grocery order and count out change a little faster. Your body shows you are eager when you to start to rock from foot to foot, cross and uncross your arms. Waiting in line is part of life. You cannot rush when you are forced to stand in one place. When I am delayed I try to remember it is my chance to relax, one of few in a hectic day. It is a secure thought which changes my attitude. I view the few moments as a gift, rather than an opportunity to become irritated. Inner peace - that is my goal. Change your attitude about having to wait and you will see it make a positive difference in your days.

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Rushing always creates tenseness. You will not feel calm, relaxed and peaceful in your mind and in your heart if your body is in hurry mode. If you trot instead of walk, slow down those leg muscles. I guarantee you will feel more calm on the inside.

Chapter 22 – The Cycle

Whatever upsets you and causes stress can be classified as an irritation, frustration or disappointment. As humans, we are going to have responses to real life stresses and frustrations. That is a fact. We do not live in Heaven, and we are not angels.

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…separate stages that turn a response into a seemingly unending reaction. The original response, the first trigger, often comes from outside of us - the outer environment. First responses are perfectly normal. You cannot control their arrival because they plant themselves in a fraction of a second.

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What follows are more thoughts, the culprits that cause stress and tension. The first response plus the thoughts that follow make up the immediate-effect, a time when you are probably not thinking too clearly.

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Then comes stage three, a time when we can reflect on what is going on. After-effect is the stage that we can control and change. Recognizing your thinking in the after-effect stage is extremely important. If there were no after-effect stage, we would have no stress-management programs, no anger workshops…

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All stress and tension are caused by two factors and two factors only - Fear and Anger. That statement is a very important piece of information. It is the simple law of cause and effect. The cause is fear and anger; the effect is unrest - no matter what label you give it or how severe it is. The only way to change the effect is to eliminate the cause.

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Fear and anger are the number-one obstacles to emotional, physical and spiritual health. Ancient and popular theories espouse the belief. Healers and religious leaders across the world have been preaching it for centuries. If you want to live a truly healthy, peaceful, and successful life, freeing yourself from fear and anger is more than a practical aspect, it is fundamental.

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You can change your sour, cranky mood by slowing down your muscles, and taking the time to unveil your concealed temper. If it is fear you recognize, excuse yourself. If it is anger you recognize, excuse the other person(s).

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Resolve your unrest as soon as possible. When you choose to cultivate the feeling of calm, you will be calm.

Chapter 23 – Identifying The Cycle

You can overshadow all the enjoyment of any activity with fear thoughts, whether it is a party or a church service. It is difficult to live a happy, successful life when you feel insecure and threatened.

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We are afraid of the "discomfort" of our inner experiences. We fear what we feel inside when we are faced with a new situation and we don't know all the rules. The one and only reason we are apprehensive and afraid to do anything in life, is because it might make us feel uncomfortable. It is not elaborate or complicated. We are afraid of feeling afraid.

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If you insist you have no fear, look closely at what you speak and what you think. Every time you think or say "I can't..., I wish I could...," or "I could never do that," in effect you are saying, "I am afraid." You are setting limits on your growth and eroding your self-image, by voicing fear.

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Simply change the "I wish..." or, "I can't..." statements to "I can..." or, "Someday I will..." Drop the "never," and you immediately remove the danger, the insecurity that is holding you back. In a very small way you will begin to believe, that what was once unattainable, is at least possible. It is a process of tossing out one thought for another - changing insecure, fear thoughts, to secure, safe thoughts.

Chapter 24 – Breaking The Cycle

My first lesson in the process of eliminating temper (fear and anger) was to look at the irritations, frustrations and disappointments in my everyday life as trivialities instead of emergencies. Believe me, a leaf falling from tree was about the only thing I could view as trivial. Anything that happened, which even indirectly involved me, was significant and serious.

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Why the focus on ordinary everyday stuff? To put it very simply, there are more little irritating life lessons than there are big ones. The major events such as loss of a job, death of a loved one, divorce and serious physical illness do not occur on a daily basis.

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You cannot turn knowledge into skill when you work at a task every now and then. If you are going to become good at anything, whether it is word-processing or taping drywall, you have to do it more than once a year.

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One of the first steps in becoming a realist, is to change your attitude. The transformation can only take place when you begin to change your thoughts. The only sure way to reduce your reaction to any irritating event, to look at it as a triviality, is to view its' effects in relation to your sense of inner peace. I learned to view events as trivialities only after I started using the word "triviality" in my thinking vocabulary. I cemented the lesson with these words: "This is a triviality compared to my mental health." With that one phrase, the distinction is easy. As a realist, NOTHING outweighs the importance of my mental health. It comes first, foremost and always.

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Compare the significance of what is happening around you, to the importance of the peace you are striving to attain. Consider anything and everything that upsets you, in the perspective that your inner harmony is of prime importance. When you do, you will be on the path to becoming a calm, strong and centered realist.

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Many times I found I couldn't concentrate on the task at hand because I was caught up, obsessing about something that already had happened or something I was anticipating. Whether it involved the past or present, I did not view it in a positive way. If it was the past, I wished I could change it. If it was in the future, I wanted it to turn out perfectly. The truth is, the only way to create a new life is to cling to the present.

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When you think you are wrong, be gentle with yourself by excusing yourself. Repeat the phrase, "I am not wrong, I am average," a few times and feel its magical effects.

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I finally accepted being average. I figured out that being average is not "less than good," or "below par." Average is not at the top or bottom, but someplace in the middle. I am talented in some areas, maybe not in others. Some people have more formal education, some less; some are more articulate, some less. I have some shortcomings, some abilities, like millions of other souls. I am an average human being. I fit somewhere between the two extremes of inferior and superior. When I realized I was not better or worse than the majority of people who walk the earth, I stopped trying to be perfect. Today, I recognize who I am and appreciate my uniqueness. I am average, not perfect. And that is acceptable to me. It is pleasant and comfortable to be in a world without better and best, big and small, inferior and superior.

Chapter 25 – Release The Tension, Not the Reaction

Responses of anger and fear are closely related. The first or original response always contains a judgement - someone is wrong. If it is not me, it must be them. If it is not them, it must be me. Attitude is formed during after-effect. It is the thoughts, at this point, that fuel how you feel and where things are apt to be blown out of proportion. And there is only one way to change your attitude-change your thinking.

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There is great power and danger in your thoughts. Learn to listen to them. They can jeopardize your health or enhance it. When you think someone is wrong, replace the thought with, "he is not wrong he is average." When you think you are wrong, change the thought to, "I am not wrong, I am average." It is the only valid way to neutralize your temper, eradicate mind/body discomforts, and gain peace and harmony. The more you try to control your outer environment, the more "out of control" you will feel on the inside, in your inner environment.

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When you excuse someone else, you are NOT condoning their inappropriate actions. You are letting go of what is making you upset. Sometimes you do have to release someone else's unacceptable behavior, for your own mental well-being. The negative words and crass behavior of others provoke original responses of hurt and anger. But, it is your negative thinking, the anger and fear processed in an after-effect, which hurt you even more.

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No one enjoys being treated in a less than caring way, or being on the receiving end of an abusive verbal assault. It is normal and average to have a response, even a strong one. The after-effect which follows is full of: "How could he or she have..., I just don't understand..." These thoughts frequently keep an after-effect thrashing through your mind for hours or days. Often longer. When my angry thoughts whirl out of control, I say to myself, "he is not wrong, he is average." Invariably the next thoughts run along the lines of "But I expect..., But I deserve..., But I would never do that, But he is wrong."

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Every "but..." thought keeps a vicious cycle alive and manifests symptoms. And every "but..." has to be counteracted with another "he is not wrong, he is average." I finally put a big mental exclamation point after, "he is not wrong, he is average!" For me, it creates a solid definitive end. It is my stop sign to keep the whispers of angry thinking from returning.

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You can reject the truth of "no right or wrong," or debate it. Or, you can make use of it to reduce your stress and perhaps eventually accept the fact. You can dilute the words by saying: "She didn't know what she was doing" or " He really didn't mean it." Or think, "They are only acting as they know how." But, why bother. Attack your anger at the core, stop judging right and wrong. Don't you wish there were little alarm lights to alert you when you are judging someone. There are-the negative body and mind sensations you experience and label as stress.

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I also found it helpful to repeat this anger-neutralizing phrase several times in a row, not necessarily rapidly, but methodically. At times I picture the words in my mind as if they were on a TelePrompTer. When I repeat the excusing thought, it simply doesn't leave time or room for the angry thoughts. It does calm me down. Feeling calm and being in control of myself are my ultimate goals.

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When I find myself in a volatile, unstable or emotional situation, I tell myself: calm begets calm. If I work at remaining calm and in control, chances are I will stay that way. If I have the opportunity, I physically remove myself from the place of conflict, and take a cooling-off period. If I can't leave, I close my mind off for a few seconds and do something not quite so noticeable, glance out a window or in another direction. …turn a cool and chilly shoulder toward the situation, I do a mental about-face. In my mind, I "see" myself turning around and ignoring what is going on.

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On occasion, when my goal is peace in my inner environment, I might see the bonus of peace in the outer environment. If I don't add anger and negative energy to a situation, what is happening around me may be less stormy. This isn't always the case. The added bonus isn't always a reality. To me, however, it is worth the effort. Because the process consistently nourishes my inner peace.

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There is a very simple formula for stopping a dispute, debate or disagreement, one that is on your lips or in your mind, along with all the turmoil it is causing you -stop trying to prove you are right. Is your churning stomach, the tightness in your chest and the pain in your neck worth the momentary pleasure of thinking you are right? Believe me, it is not. The nasty physical feelings and mental discomforts last much longer than the one "sweet moment" you enjoy as the thrill of victory. The ultimate technique for erasing anger is to take out the right and wrong, and look at the facts.

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In my world, if someone else needs to be right, it is okay with me. I can make a statement, by not making a statement. I can give up my "right" to be right, but I will not give up my "right" to be healthy.

Chapter 26 – Run-on Fear

Unchecked fear expands to worry-same book different title. Worry is another level of fear. It is a case of after-effect stuck in high gear, running wild. In truth, it is a preoccupation with a danger theme. We often express worry and concern (fear) to mask anger. Many of us were raised to believe that it is not polite to be angry, but it is okay to worry. This twisted logic causes us to deny being angry. Without awareness of the true meaning of our thoughts, there is not much chance of correcting the problem.

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When you catch yourself fearful or worrying, know the preoccupation is caused by your thoughts. You can change your thoughts by spotting the possibilities and probabilities. How likely is it that what you are dreading will come true? The ultimate tool to eliminate worry is a simple realistic fact: the only thing you really know, is that you don't know what is going to happen. Socrates, the Greek philosopher, said it this way: "I know, that I know not."

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So many people believe they can't stop worrying, especially if there is a major life event on their horizon. Perhaps the actual act of selling or buying a house is not in the realm of a triviality, but there are certainly hundreds of average irritations, frustrations and disappointments to work on during the process; many chances to seek out the fear and anger that are perpetuating an elevated stress level. The outstanding drawback of worry (fear) is that it hampers our ability to recognize we have choices. Worry is useless because it does not change results. Remember, you are in charge of your mind games, and you decide who wins.

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It is the same with all life events which some people choose to label traumatic or high on the stress-scale. You can decide whether you stay inclined to react with temper (fear and anger), and let most events bother you in one way or another. Or you can carry on and view life's challenges as exercises to improve your mental fitness. You either see the events as chances to practice what you know, or wallow in misery. You can replace the insecure thought, "I won't make it through," to "I can make it through." You do not have to believe it, think it. The belief is the last to come.

Chapter 27 – The Primary Formula

The primary strategy of the Method is to identify and neutralize fear and anger by replacing insecure thoughts with secure thoughts, and commanding muscles. You can custom design your own list of "Things to Remember" by adding any of the other pertinent phrases from the glossary…

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